Sunday, July 31, 2011

MOM

I don't know exactly how to feel right now. I know its been a while since I've written anything on this blog..... but today is probably a good time to start. Mom called me today after church and said that she simply wanted to talk to me. We talked for about 30 minutes about everything under the sun. I was great conversation until we started to say goodbye. As we were about to get off the phone, she tells me that she found lumps in her breast and that he doctor told her that she is being screened for breast cancer. I was at a loss for words. I knew I didn't want to react right away because this is something that she was experiencing and I just needed to be there for her. My grandmother and 3 aunts have died of this disease and Mom admitted that she is scared. I was on the verge of freaking out, but didn't want to cry over the phone. So I told her that I knew she was strong enough to get through this. And that no matter what, I will be by her side whenever we knew what her treatment options were. We stayed on the phone for about 15 more minutes just talking about her health.... and then she sneaks in that Dad was recovering from surgery.

I swear, I began to feel like the worse daughter ever. Not only is my mom telling me about her health issues, I had no idea that my Dad needed surgery. Mom's excuse was that they did not want to worry us. I had mixed feelings about this but didn't want to come off as insensitive. So I just stayed quiet. After getting off the phone, I came to the realization that my parents are getting older. I don't know if it's just me, but I've always viewed my parents as young, strong, and healthy. They've never seemed older to me..... until today. This thought was so overwhelming for me and I couldn't do anything but cry. I haven't felt this much sorrow since my grandfather died. I felt scared, vulnerable, helpless, irritated, angry, depressed, irritated, etc. I didn't know what to do... so I cried some more. I think I might have freaked TJ out a little bit because even though he tried to comfort me, it didn't work. I some odd way, he didn't exist to me at that moment. He was just there. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling helpless. TJ asked what he could do, and all I wanted to do was leave and be with my family. We are going this weekend as an anniversary gift. I've never wanted to be at home more or been more homesick than I am at this very moment. I hope this post made sense. I sorta typed whatever came to mind and I'm too lazy to go back and proofread this to make sure it makes any sense. Anyways... I love you with all of my heart mom and I'm so grateful for being blessed with a mother who has stuck by my side regardless of what other people said. I will forever be grateful for you.